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ONGAJI: Time to stop falling for cliché lines from married lovers



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I heard an interesting story from a friend last week. She told me that her friend was grieving the loss of a boyfriend who had died in a  

To make matters worse, this lady was afraid that somehow her life had just come to a standstill, since she didn’t think she would have a chance to give the love of her life the send-off he deserved.

This was because, apparently she had never been introduced to his family officially, and she felt she deserved the right to eulogise him – in public and before family and friends.

“The man loved her and she told me he had assured her that his mistake was to have married early. He used to tell her that he was still with his wife only because of the children. And she is sure that the wife doesn’t know about her,” she said.


I looked at that friend of mine in disbelief that not only did she tolerate such a foolish conversation, but also that she believed that nonsense she was being told. Come on! You know it is sad that in this 21st century there are educated, smart, career women who are still naïve to think  that they could secretly date a married man who “doesn’t love his wife” for ten plus years.

I think sometimes we ladies are to be blamed for what befalls us especially in such situations. You accepted to live a secretive life of nights out, spontaneous sex marathon ordeals and holidays in hiding, with meetings only at night.

You were okay with sitting in the backseat of his tint windowed car, or if you make it to the front seat, having the windows closed throughout since somehow he was afraid that he might bump into someone who knows him, and notice that the passenger seat is occupied by a woman who isn’t his wife.

You were okay with him initiating the conversations, while you were limited to texting or calling him only if he signalled it was okay.

While you were with him, you were compelled to keeping quiet when his wife called so that she couldn’t hear a woman’s voice in the background. All this but still you believed he didn’t love her?

Listen sister, if you’re getting involved with a married man, who is doing everything possible to make your relationship a secret, then maybe you should be woman enough to accept and move on when suddenly you’re left in a limbo.

And the same applies to men who are okay with being secret lovers of married women.

Accepting these actions is evidence enough that you have waived all your rights to be in the light.

That’s the reality of being a side dish, and if you accepted all this while he was alive, I think you should hold your peace even in his death.

If you were okay with respecting his privacy while he was alive, kindly do the same even in death.

Furthermore, he didn’t force you. In a good number of such arrangements, men are usually honest with them being married and having a family, and those who accept this, are always aware of what they are getting themselves into.

It may sound a little harsh on women, but it is because we are the ones who end up being hurt.

As you would wish others to take responsibility of your safety, you have an obligation to do the same and take responsibility of your emotional and psychological safety.

If you didn’t see the need to compel him to make things clear, I’m sorry but you too should accept that it was just but a fling.

Pauline Ongaji is a correspondent at Nation Media Group

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