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SEXUAL HEALTH: A third party will ruin the party



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I occasionally come across people who have had extramarital affairs when they were inflicted by sex problems in their marriages.

They say that they strayed to see if they could function outside the marital bed. Such affairs are usually hidden from the other spouse.

Henry and his wife, though, were not like these other couples. Henry, a 32-year-old taxi driver, came to the clinic and told me that he and his wife were in an open relationship.

Henry was married to 28-year-old Joyce, a stores clerk at a government office. They had been married five years and had two children. Trouble started right from the beginning of their union, when Henry suffered premature ejaculation.

Initially, the couple thought that this was a result of being new to each other and hoped that they would soon learn the ropes. However, things only got from bad to worse with passage of time.

“My wife suffered sexual deprivation all those years and I sympathised,” Henry explained. “I was so distressed with her suffering, I advised her to seek sexual satisfaction from outside our marriage.”

The couple agreed that once Joyce got into an affair, she would inform Henry. She would also insist on a medical check-up with the new man before proceeding. Joyce found a partner in the neighbourhood in no time. She revealed everything to Henry, including the date for her planned sexual adventure with the man.

On the material day, Joyce and the man started with a medical test. She kept Henry updated every minute. Tests showed that the man was healthy with no HIV and no sexually transmitted disease. Joyce alerted Henry of the lodging where the action was to happen and promised that they would be in for two hours. Henry patiently waited at home.

Joyce kept her promise. In exactly two hours, she sent a message to say that she was done. All along, Joyce’s sex mate was not aware of what was going on between Joyce and her husband, and asked Joyce to keep the encounter confidential. Joyce was back home in time and with a lot of stories to tell.

“For the first time my wife enjoyed herself in bed. She was so happy,” Henry said. “I got motivation to seek help. I want to make my wife as happy as she was that day.”

“So is your wife going on with the affair at this point?” I asked, rather confused. Henry was quiet for close to a minute. His eyes pierced well through mine into the horizon. He removed his spectacles and wiped a tinge of sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

“I hope not because she no longer wants me to seek medical help,” he said. “She says it is no longer necessary and that she will not accompany me to the clinic if I insist on treatment.”

After a full examination and medical tests, I concluded that Henry was suffering from primary premature ejaculation. This is a type of premature ejaculation which is present from the time one is exposed to sex.

A man with primary premature ejaculation has no experience of normal sex. On the other hand, secondary premature ejaculation develops after a few years of having normal sexual activity.

I put Henry on treatment to prolong his ejaculatory time. The bigger worry for me however was that the couple had allowed a third party into their sex lives. Joyce refused to come to the clinic completely, and although Henry started to function normally, he reported that their relationship was fast deteriorating and he could not explain why.

“For the first time my wife is very rude to me,” Henry said during one of the visits to the clinic. “She has told me that I am free to get another sex partner if I want.”

Henry went into depression. I referred him to a psychiatry clinic. It has been three months after he started treatment for depression. Unfortunately, he has not shown much improvement.