I’ll never set foot in Nairobi bars again

When I left Mwisho wa Lami a few weeks ago, my plan was simple — visit the laugh of my life in Kakamega, travel to Nairobi to sort out a few issues at TSC, and then return home via Kakamega. Having left Kuya in charge of the school, I wanted to let him fully run it with no interference. I did not want to be like Bensouda when she was still new.

Before Bensouda got tired, or fed up with the HM job, whenever she left me in charge, she would call me every other hour, asking me what was happening and giving me instruction after another on what to do. I would be in hot soup if I did not pick her calls.

I arrived in Kakamega to find Fiolina away for work.  She got home extremely late when I was already deep asleep. Two days later, on a Sunday morning, I boarded a Nairobi-bound Easy Coach. My brother Pius’ wife had asked Fiolina to buy her some food stuffs – bananas, sweet potatoes, cassava, green maize among others. They had been packaged into two sacks.

The journey to Nairobi was uneventful.

Pius was waiting at the Easy Coach stage when I arrived. Thanks to the Express Way, we were at his Syokimau home in a matter of minutes. His wife was happy to see me, or rather, she was happy to see the things Fiolina had given me to bring her.

She served us lunch. Hours later, Pius asked me to accompany him to Gateway Mall to meet his friend.

“Chungeni sana, siku hizi sio kuzuri,” said Pius’ wife.

Gateway Mall was a remarkably busy space. Even getting a parking spot was not easy, but as soon as we got one, we went inside. The supermarket was full of customers and so were all the shops.

We entered the first bar. It was a fairly new bar although Pius called it a pub.  Even before we had ordered for drinks, he received a call. His friend was in the next pub.

Although it was still daylight, all windows of this new pub were closed and there were dim lights everywhere. I immediately knew what a night club meant – it needed not necessarily be at night. Pius’ friend was seated at a corner and we joined him. I ordered Summit, my favourite beer. They did not have it.

“Huku sio Mwisho wa Lami Dre, Wachana na Summit,” said Pius.

I ordered The Famous Grease, the drink that always greases my legs, but they also did not have it so I  joined Pius and his friend in taking Jug Daniels. Pius and his friend were done with the bottle within minutes and ordered another one.

On a table next to us were three ladies drinking water. Pius invited them to our table and they gladly joined. Pius’ friend asked what they wanted and they ordered some drinks whose names I cannot remember. They initially looked like complicated ladies, not my type. But with time,  I realised they were kawaida people and we were conversing like we had known each other for years. In between my drinks, I was taking a lot of water.

Pius’ friend left for the restroom and returned, with Pius leaving shortly after. They ordered more drinks for the girls, one more bottle of Jug Daniels and the bill. I also took a bathroom break.

This Jug Daniels was different — although I had not taken a lot, I was feeling high. I suspected that what I usually take in Kakamega at Golf is counterfeit. This was the original Jug Daniels.

Pius was visibly drunk while his friend placed his head on his slaps. Soon, we decided to go to another club. But Pius and his friend could hardly walk. With the help of the ladies, we left the pub. I hazily remember us entering Puis’s car at the parking lot.

 I don’t remember anything after that, except that I woke up in a room that I could not immediately recognise. Seated next to me was Fiolina, and she was extremely excited to see me, and thanked God for my life. However much I tried, I could not tell my surroundings. I tried to stand up but my whole body was aching.  Eventually I stood up and with the help of Fiolina.

I was at Pius’ place. Fiolina and Pius’ wife asked me questions but my memory seemed to have taken a walk. I would later gather that we were found in Pius’ car on Monday morning. While I was deep asleep, Pius was in a bad shape. He was frothing at the mouth and had been taken to hospital, where he got admitted.

But there were two other things. We had lost everything: Wallets, money, phones, watches, rings, belts and shoes. More items had been stolen from the car, including Pius’ laptop and radio.

The next morning Pius’ wife took me to a police station to record a statement after which we went to visit Pius at Mater Hospital. Though he was now conscious, he was speaking incoherently and could not remember anything.

The next morning together with Fiolina, we travelled back to Kakamega. It was a long trip and Fiolina lectured me all the way from Nairobi. But I had to humble myself because I did not have money and phone. And I needed Fiolina to come to my rescue. All I did was profusely and repeatedly apologise. I spent the rest of the week in Kakamega being nursed by Fiolina. And unaware of what was happening since I had no phone.

Fiolina only bought me a phone last Monday and that’s when I travelled to Mwisho wa Lami. I do not know many things in life, but I know I will never set foot in a pub in Nairobi. Never!