Secret to a happy bedroom life is a confident man

After working at the Sexology Clinic for many years, I still find lack of sexual desire the most challenging problem to treat. I was therefore aware of the difficult days ahead when Antony walked into the consultation room and said he was no longer interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with his wife.

“You have normal erections?” I asked, to which he nodded.

“Any problem with ejaculation?” He shook his head in response.

“Ok, I just have no interest, not those many things you are asking,” he interjected.

Antony, 38, was an architect. He was married to Joyce, a 36-year-old pharmacist. They had been married for nine years and had two children. They had not had sex for two years.

“This thing is distressing me,” Antony said, “my boss is also not happy with me because I spend a lot of time in the office worrying instead of conceptualising and drawing architectural plans.” I examined Antony but found no abnormality. I ordered a battery of tests but the results were normal.

“So are you telling me that you are defeated?” Antony asked anxiously, “Have you ever had a case like mine? What should I do now?” He stared into the horizon. I was sure he did not need an answer; he was just thinking aloud. I sat there and just listened. Sometimes as a sexual medicine doctor, that is all one needs to do — sit and listen.

I was uncomfortable with his situation; he was disturbed and agitated. I asked him to accompany me for lunch. I needed to understand him more, and possibly an informal chat outside the consultation room could help uncover what was ailing him.

When our meal was served, soup spilt on to Antony’s white shirt and left a small mark the size of a bean shadow. He immediately stopped eating and rushed to the tap to wash off the mess. He spent over five minutes struggling to clean the stain. He resumed eating and expressed hope that the stain would not show when the cloth dried.

By the time we cleared our plates, the stain was still visible. Antony asked the waiter if he could get a bleaching agent to clean it off. I got a bit concerned and asked him why such a small stain was distressing him.

“My wife does not tolerate such a mess,” he explained, “I do not want to go home in a stained cloth, I would rather buy a new one and throw this one away.” I reclined back on my seat. I realised I was dealing with a man who was scared of his wife to the bone.

“She is a drama queen, and you do not want to mess with her,” he said quietly, avoiding eye contact with me.

Upon further questioning, I discovered that Antony had totally lost self-confidence. He had increasingly become timid. His every move was meant to appease his wife. He did not live a life of his own. He talked of the many ambitions he used to have as a young man; how he wanted to further his education; to invest; how he loved sports and spent time watching football with friends.

“I abandoned all those things to avoid disagreements with Joyce,” he explained.

I informed Antony that low self-confidence affects one’s sex life. Arousal becomes a problem, and this might result in erectile dysfunction or painful sex. Some men experience premature ejaculation while most affected women fail to get orgasm.

I booked Antony and his wife for a couple therapy session. The next day he came with his wife. I interviewed Joyce in detail.

“I have actually been thinking of quitting this marriage,” Joyce said, “I want a man who can face me and say No to my demands, not everything I ask from Antony should be done as per my request!”

So here we were — a scared man with no self-confidence, and a woman asking for a confident man who could confront issues head on. It was a conflict of personality traits, which led to power imbalance in the relationship; with Antony taking it that his power had been taken over. The couple went through five sessions of therapy, which helped them in self-discovery. They learnt how to care for each other’s emotional needs; their personality differences notwithstanding.

“So we no longer have a problem when it comes to sex. We just wanted to discuss contraceptives because I feel it is not the right time to have a baby,” Antony said on their last visit to the clinic. He had candidly discussed the issue of a third baby with Joyce and convinced her to wait. The man had regained his sexual desire and confidence; and he was able to negotiate his needs in the marriage.