We’re in no mood to ask China for a loan to bandage Jaguar’s mouth

This past week has served us so much political drama it makes you wonder what our politicians have been drinking lately. We are used to politicians bragging about how they only fear God, hot porridge and screenshots … until this week, when we found out they also fear death, political gossip and the La Mada Three.

There are many things Kenyans would love to kill, and there isn’t a single politician on that list. We are busy fighting disease, ignorance and poverty, and once we are done with those three, we shall fight corruption, attention-seeking and Al Shabaab.

Unless your middle name is hunger, there shouldn’t be any reason why someone would waste their time fighting you. Serious PhD holders are busy conducting stem cell research and cracking DNA puzzles, not specialising in paranoia. So we’ll leave those claims where they belong and focus on more important matters.

Those of us who are older than Methuselah remember the hip-hop beef between Prezzo and Jaguar. Back then, Jaguar, aka Charles Njagua, was struggling to make a name for himself in the music industry and the most fashionable trend was to take cheap shots at big names hoping they might take the bait and give them name recognition. The ending might have been inconclusive, but we all remember Prezzo dropping that punchline: “The only Jaguar I know is a car.” You could hear fans howling in the background from that embarrassing takedown. I bet some cold water had to be applied on that burnt area by those who rushed in with the First Aid kit.

Turns out Prezzo was right, after all. The Jaguar car has the trademark logo of the beast of the jungle in a giant predatory leap; the ferocious big cat sits on top of the jungle food chain and has no time for idle humans singing monotonous tunes for unnecessary attention and political drama. If the Jaguar in the forest heard that there is someone in Kenya trying to impersonate its indomitable name, it would probably relocate here to come sort out this matter personally.

President Uhuru Kenyatta has been encouraging government agencies to come up with innovative ideas on revenue generation; perhaps the Kenya Bureau of Standards should take advantage of this golden opportunity to teach Kenyans the difference between an original jaguar and a counterfeit one.

The Ministry of Health must take action to ensure that this disease that causes the sort of verbal haemorrhagic fever that has now put Kenya at loggerheads with their Tanzania counterparts is stopped. There should also be a law in this country that requires all politicians to wash their tongues before coming in contact with a microphone.

Kenyans are aware that Members of Parliament have been clamouring for an increase in their allowances, and we might just listen to their concerns if they promise to hire political hygiene experts with years of experience in the mouthwash industry.

If the people of Starehe desperately needed a young person who can stretch their vocal cords and sing monotonous tunes, we have many Kenyans singing in their bathrooms every morning with more angelic voices than Jaguar; you could simply contact Bathroom Studios to have a list sent to you for assessment.

Young people had so much hope in the election of their own to Parliament that they wept with Jaguar when the Jubilee Party attempted to deny him the nomination certificate in 2017. But the guy went to Parliament and did the exact thing he accused politicians of doing in his Kigeugeu hit single.

For a long time, we have been accusing someone else of being a political chameleon; thanks to Jaguar, we have finally found the human face of the animal that changes colour faster than a Kenyan politician changes tune.

Mark Twain once said that, “To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” Likewise, when you’re used to fighting with fellow parliamentarians, every other problem comes to you in the form of violence.

I don’t know which movies Jaguar grew up watching, but the people cheering him on should have informed him that when it comes to solving issues through violence, the Chinese are the masters of martial arts, and Bruce Lee isn’t Babu Owino who will swing a punch your way and miss.

These foreigners you want to beat up will take up your challenge and call you to a fight; but Kenyans are already so overburdened we don’t want to ask China for another loan to bandage your bloodied nose.

If the issue is that you went to Tanzania and your music wasn’t well received, please handle that rejection in peace without drawing us into beef we know nothing about.