Get your groove back after breakup

Low sex drive is a common problem these days. With the ever increasing life demands, people rarely have enough time to sleep.

They are in a persistent state of exhaustion and their minds are too troubled to focus on intimacy.

I was therefore pleasantly surprised when Lilian walked into the Sexology Clinic and declared that she needed help because she did not know what to do with her increasing desire for sex.

“You are a special woman!” I reacted immediately without giving her sentiments a thought, “many women are grappling with decreased interest in sex.”

“Get me right doctor, it is not that my body is abnormal, it is the circumstances of life that I find myself in that make me have this dilemma,” she said, “maybe I should have made a better decision for my life.” I nodded, encouraging her to open up and say more.

Lilian, 38, was a high school teacher. She got married to James, a pharmacist, at the age of 26, and they had three children.

“But that marriage ended two years ago,” she said. “I do not want him back, just get me right; I have moved on.” I realised that her eyes were red and wet with tears.

“It takes time to recover from a breakup,” I said. “And it is quite a difficult experience that no one wants to go through; it is similar to the death of a loved one.” I took time to explain the emotional and psychological trauma that one goes through after divorce.

“Thank you doctor and yes, I now understand better how to deal with my situation. However, my main problem is how to handle my desire for sex,” she said, drawing my attention back to the reason for her consultation.

“With my husband gone, how do I satisfy my sexual needs? Where do I start? Do you know I have dreamt of having sex with my husband and even had orgasm in my dream? I felt so bad because I never want to be with him again.”

Lilian was raising a rather difficult question that many people who have gone through a breakup do not know how to handle.

For most men, the tendency is to rush into a new relationship for sexual gratification and emotional support.

Of course, they soon realise that the new relationship was never based on love; that what they needed was therapy to recover from the loss.

The situation is more complicated for women. In many cases, they are the ones keen to protect their children from the devastating effects of the breakup.

They not only have to deal with their emotional turmoil at this difficult time but also the confusion the children are subjected to.

Yet still, the social burden of proof lies with the woman; she has to prove to the whole world that the relationship did not fail because of her shortcomings as a wife.

The unfortunate default position in most communities is to blame the woman for the breakup.

“All that is true and I have witnessed it first-hand, but it does not stop me from having sexual feelings,” she interjected, “how am I going to solve my situation?”

In cases where there is hope, priority should be given to resolving the conflict that led to the break up.

If the damage to the relationship is beyond repair, divorce should be formalised to set each party free. Divorce should not be seen as the end of life.

Once you have been set free formally, you can choose to stay single and celibate or remarry.

“But that is easier said than done,” Lilian said, “how do I explain all this to my children? How do I handle such an act in my social circles?”

Lilian was getting impatient with my unending explanations. I advised her to sleep on it and come to the clinic for further counselling the next day.

Six months passed and Lilian did not appear in the clinic. She came the seventh month, and I immediately noticed that her appearance had changed — she had added weight and had a flawless smooth skin on her face.

“So after our inconclusive discussion, I thought about the issue as per your advice and decided that I would go for a secret boyfriend,” she said.

She said her reasoning was that this would protect her children from getting further confused about the breakup.

She also thought it was the best way to protect herself from social ridicule. “And so I have been satisfied sexually but not without costs,” she said and burst out laughing, “I am three months pregnant!”

“Well, choices have consequences,” I said, reclining on my seat, not exactly sure what Lilian’s next move would be.