I can’t trust Apostle Elikana with money

When, earlier in the year, I rejoined THOAG (The Holiest Of All Ghosts) Tabernacle Assembly, Apostle Elkana, the Revered Spiritual of the sect, was very happy to see me, and welcomed me warmly.

He would never give a speech, or even end a sermon, without mentioning my name — as he always wanted me to know how important I was to his church formation.

As you know, a few weeks ago, he asked me to consider joining a marriage support group, and although my wife supported the idea, I told him that our marriage needed no support.

“We should be the ones supporting other marriages,” I had said, dismissing the small cracks that enemies of development were seeing in our acclaimed, blissful marriage.

“That’s exactly my point,” the Apostle responded to me. “I would like other people to learn a thing or two about your marriage.” Noticing that I was not keen on his idea, he moved on to other things.

“Dre I will need your support this Easter,” he started. “We have been given a target of Sh25,000 this Easter and I will be relying on you to help us raise this money.” I did not ask him who had given him the target. This was the first time I was hearing of a mother church to THOAG. I clearly showed him that I doubted his story.

“This church prays for you every day, and I am sure you will come through for us,” he said when I appeared unwilling to commit.

“How do I raise such an amount, Apostle?” I asked him. “I don’t even earn such money.”

“You don’t have to give us the money,” he said. “Just get for us guests who can help raise the money.”

Whispering, he added. “Usijali my brother, sitakuwacha hivyo. Utapata at least 15 per cent.”

I helped Apostle Elkana design some invitation cards for a fundraising last Sunday. The Apostle had considered me to be the chief guest. I talked to Kizito, my friend who has always wanted to be an MP, and lost in every election since 2002.

“I would have come but churches have refused politicians’ money,” Kizito told me. “They say pesa yetu ni chafu.” I reminded him that he was not a politician as he had not yet been elected.

“Who refused politicians money?” Apostle Elkana asked when I told him about Kizito’s reservation. “Not this church! All money coming to church is clean money, na kama si safi, tutaiombea.”

Kizito accepted to be the chief guest. I also invited my brother Pius, Ms Kandie, the Principal of St Theresa’s Girls, and a few friendly teachers. These were Bensouda, Lena and Nzomo. It would be a waste of time to invite Saphire or Kuya.

Come last Sunday and Lena, Nzomo and Bensouda arrived in our church early. Kizito, together with Ms Kandie, arrived as the church service was almost coming to an end. The service soon ended, and we moved to the next item on the agenda: the harambee.

“I am happy to see all of you here,” started Apostle Elkana. As you know, THOAG is an international church with headquarters in Nairobi. We started a school in Nairobi, and all churches have been asked to help raise money for this project. Halleluiah?” he asked, and got an emphatic Amen from everyone.

“Our bishop gave every church a target, and since we have always been generous, we were given Sh 65,000.” He went on: “But knowing the economy of Mwisho wa Lami, I really negotiated this to 35,000. Didn’t I do a good job?” he asked. “Basi wapi makofi yangu?”

He invited me to lead the harambee. I started by inviting church members. Most gave between Sh20-100. Three women gave bananas, eggs and a hen; which we sold through an interesting auction just before I invited my guests. Bensouda bought the eggs, Ms Kandie went for the hen while Kizito took the bananas.

It was time to invite the guests. Nzomo and Lena each gave Sh400 while Bensouda gave Sh1,000. Mrs Kandie gave Sh1,500. Pius had sent me Sh2,000; I gave Sh500 as my contribution and 1,000 as his.

I then invited Kizito, who started by giving a speech. He warned people against registering for Huduma Namba; then said that people who give out large sums of money at harambees needed to be investigated.

“How can someone give out millions in one harambee? Kwani amepanda mti wa pesa kwake?” he asked amid cheers. He gave out Sh11,500. In total, we raised Sh21,456, a figure Apostle Elkana did not want announced.

As we took lunch later at my place, Kizito asked Apostle Elkana where exactly the Nairobi headquarters were and where the school was being built, but the Apostle was very evasive. “Ndani kwa slum,” was all he said, without specifying which slum.

Once all was done and the guests were gone, the Apostle became very slippery — especially to me.

He stopped picking my calls and was too busy to meet me when I went to the church. You see, he was to refund me the money I had spent on food, and there was the small matter of my 15 per cent. I actually deserved more given my huge contribution to the harambee.

On Friday he sent me an SMS: “In Nairobi to deliver the money to HQ. I will mention to the bishop what you did and will ask for something small for you.”

Apostle Elkana does not know me. He will know that he doesn’t know!