Overdependent? You might do with some help

Do you love someone more than you love yourself? Obsess over what they think of you? Endlessly seek compliments and have an intense need for their approval? Always want to be perfect for them?

Perhaps you’re trying to make a relationship work with someone who’s not? Who’s too self-absorbed or emotionally distant, for example. So you’re the only one who cares or makes a real effort. Selflessly trying to make your partner happy because you love them. Or constantly trying to connect even though they’re not interested.

Could be you’re overdependent.

Probably this has happened to you more than once. We all sacrifice our own needs for the good of a relationship from time to time. But when everything gets completely one sided, you’ve got a problem.

Chances are you also have low self-esteem, and feel inadequate, empty or worthless. Or you have your whole identity wrapped up in someone else. Or put a lot of effort into pleasing others and have difficulty saying ‘No.’ Or rarely express your true thoughts, feelings or needs for fear of disapproval.

You probably always have to be in a relationship, because you feel lonely when you’re by yourself. Maybe you worry about finding someone else. Which makes it hard for you to leave, even when a relationship’s really bad. And you’re probably in denial about the whole thing anyway.

How did things get like this? The problem probably started during your childhood. Perhaps your parents abused or neglected you. Or were self-centred or controlling. Your feelings never seemed to matter. So now you choose partners who don’t care about your feelings either, or who’re controlling or manipulative.

Or maybe you were abused in an earlier relationship. Perhaps by someone who manipulated you with threats, insults, blaming and shaming. Praising you when you did what they wanted and attacking your self-worth if you didn’t.

Is that you? Then it’s time to take stock.

Stopping being overdependent won’t be easy, so talk to an experienced counsellor who’s familiar with dependency.

Because you may need help getting out of denial about what’s happening. And unravelling earlier experiences that are affecting the way you behave.

People raised by controlling parents often believe that they have to do what their partner wants. So you may need help learning to be assertive.

You may need help taking responsibility for your own decisions. And for your self-esteem. So you don’t look to others to make you happy, or to feel you have worth.

You may need help learning to establish and enforce your boundaries. So you can choose how you’ll live, and what you will and won’t accept in your relationships.

And you’ll need to learn to be willing to leave a bad relationship. Not only for your sake, but because, just sometimes, a relationship changes once you’re ready to go. As your partner senses they might lose you, they suddenly realise they really do care about you...