When he changes. And wants you to change too!

Boy meets girl in a crowded dance floor. It’s way past the recommended bed time. They all have had a little too much to drink.

They exchange contacts. They meet again in another club and they have the time of their lives.

Soon after they are a hot item. They are a match; their hands can’t get enough of touring each other, they like the same things and even share common friends.

They get steady. And that’s when the man decides that it’s time for change. Time for HER to change! Drastically. Forcefully. As he puts it, “Behave like a proper girlfriend.”

So no more 2am drink-ups. No more takeaways (a proper girlfriend must always be ready with steaming ugali when the man gets home), and well, those friends of hers; they need to go. They are no-goobers! She needs to join the chama at church and start preparing for the ‘wifey’ role.

And so the conflict starts.

Should change be forced upon a woman?

Let’s call this couple Ben and Lisa. Well, you see, Ben and Lisa’s situation is not that peculiar. The only odd thing is that here, the man wants the woman to change, while as the common script we know is that of a woman wanting to change the man. Try she does. For years, much to her frustration. And the man resists, most times successfully.

But what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? Should change be forced upon a woman? Is it good for her in the long-run?

Thirty-four-year-old Lacey Kagwiria has been married for the past five years. She has two kids, both girls aged four and three years. Most people who know her say that she is living the proverbial fairy-tale marriage. But what they do not know is that she has been putting on a facade of happiness and a brave face in public. Behind her closed doors, Lacey says she is broken. “I have lost my individuality. I don’t even know myself anymore,” says Lacey, who is a stay-at-home wife.

Nonetheless, she remembers her dating days with nostalgia. “Oh, those were the happy times! I had a good job as a senior credit officer at a local bank and was planning to pursue a Master’s degree,” she says. The icing on the cake was her boyfriend, James, who is now her husband. She says that James was the perfect gentleman. He was doing very well in the real estate sector, and just like Lacey, he loved the fast life. Every Saturday evening, Lacey and James would hop from one fancy club to the other in Nairobi. They would also schedule their leave days to coincide so that they could go on partying and on shopping holidays. “Our lifestyles were compatible,” she says.

One fine June 2014 morning, the two lovebirds walked down the aisle in a fabulous garden wedding in Nairobi. Their lives changed. “Things began to change the moment I said ‘I do’,” says Lacey. At one point during the wedding, she says that James had leant over and whispered, ‘You’re now a wife!’ with a brief smile. She thought he was saying it from the thrill of the occasion, but weeks later, the reality of what he actually meant began to sink in.

James changed radically. He refused to continue going out over the weekends and forced her to stop too. He replaced the alcohol with fruit juices. Since then, Lacey says that she has lost count of the times she has been told: ‘You are now a wife! You can’t do that!’

Lacey has also been forced to drop her friends, her job, and her pursuit for a Master’s degree. Apparently, James says that she no longer needs the job or the Master’s degree since he caters for all the family needs.

She has also been compelled to join the church. “On Sundays, I must put on maxi dresses and a headscarf.

I can no longer wear a short skirt, not show cleavage. “Unless I wanted to attract other men,” he threatens.

In the bedroom too, he is against exploring. It’s the missionary style, which he perceives as ‘godly,’ or nothing.

I love him and want my family to stay intact, but I am going crazy inside,” Lacey says.

Emotionally draining and steals your self-esteem

Women look for a partner who loves them exactly the way they are, but unfortunately, many end up finding the exact opposite. Being with a guy who tries to change you can be emotionally draining and really damage your self-esteem.

Ken Munyua, a psychologist based in Nairobi says women will want their men to step away from bachelor behaviours and move upwards to head the family, men will be driven by the need to control and exert power on their women.

And while subtle changes are inevitable in coupledom, Dr. David Ludden a professor of psychology and the author of The Psychology of Language, says, during dating and in the first years of marriage, people do not want changes forced down their throats.

 “This is mostly because after marriage, a couple tends to adopt changes that restrict their social networks compared to when they were single,” says Professor Ludden.

Munyua echoes him. And warns that extreme change can turn tragic.

“A man’s changing can be lethal not only to himself, but also to you and your family,” he says. Take the tragic case of the late Nairobi lawyer Paul Magu. Mr. Magu killed his wife and children, and then committed suicide by jumping in front of a speeding bus in late 2014. Revealing accounts from an ongoing court case on his death and that of his family shows a man who changed radically and steered his spouse to adapt the questionable changes he had adopted. Finally, he moved his family from their church and joined a cult; leading to their alienation and indoctrination.

Of course, not every case ends this badly. Most times the women find themselves a complete opposite of what they are. And they often grumpily wonder how they got here. Well this is because, a man who is hell-bent on changing your very core, is most often an extreme charmer and is a master at manipulating you into thinking you need to be changed.

In fact, it’s argued that incessant charm is often a confusing guise for controlling, manipulative behaviour. And we all know that does not end well.

Liz Ayoti has to hide to eat some beef. And Liz loves her steak and nyama choma.

You see, her husband declared that he is a vegetarian. He expected everyone in the family to consider meat a no-go-zone.

“He has adopted these ridiculous rules and perceptions that eating meat is insensitive and uncouth,” Liz, laboratory technician in Nakuru Town, 29, and a mother of one, says.

Her vegan husband explains that humans are evolutionary animals and it is improper to eat fellow animals!

When the craving strikes her too hard, Liz will sneak to an eatery with her son. But then her husband will soon notice as he will prod their four-year-old incessantly until he gives out the secret. Then all hell will break out. “We will not speak for days.”

Things are now deteriorating. “He wants us to start eating raw vegetables because heating them will destroy nutrients and natural enzymes,” she says.

Forced change within relationships stir up conflicts, introduce toxicity and sometimes violence. Grace Kariuki, a family therapist based in Nairobi says it can also cause the relationship or marriage to be a co-dependent where the woman will give in to demands made on her to maintain peace.

This is what has been keeping Lacey in her marriage. “I only conform because I fear that if I rebel, there will be no peace,” she says.

If a man tries to exert pressure on you to change, you should begin by finding out about his motive. “He could have been planning to change all along.” Most men will hide their true colours during dating to keep their appeal.

“He might have seemed comfortable with your partying and drinking, but secretly knew that once he walks you down the aisle and ties you in marriage, he’ll put an end to it and prefer that you adopt what he sees as wifely behaviours,” says Munyua.

A change though should not cost you your individuality. “Changes that do not inspire happiness out of you are unhealthy. Consider walking out if you are forced to change to the detriment of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, and if the safety of your kids and family members is being put at risk,” he advises.

Some level of change though should be entertained. “Marriage comes with a lot of commitment. Have a good reason as to why you do not want to change. If you have been married, have children, and a strict household budget, asking you to stop binge drinking is the right thing to do,” says Munyua.

Some changes could be a form of value-addition, says Mrs. Kariuki. “There are men who will go out of their way to inspire, push and challenge their women to pursue further education, get higher paying jobs, or start businesses. He is challenging her to move from the comfort zone,” says Mrs Kariuki.

Adopt a compromising approach, advises Munyua and put both your perceptions and interests on the table. “Talk about your fears. Let him tell you what he fears will happen if you don’t change and tell him why you don’t feel you don’t need to change. A forced change will mean your input is not required, and your opinion no longer counts,” he says.

Signs that he is trying to change you

 Diminishing individuality: When a partner starts to change you, he will exalt himself over your opinions and decisions. You will no longer be able to make independent decisions. Your opinion will hardly count.

Interferes with you friends: Your trusted friends will notice that you have changed in a negative way. They may make light commentaries that you are no longer yourself or available. On the other hand, your partner will give low opinions of your friends' characters and may order you to keep off them because ‘they are not good for you’.

One-way conflicts: Your arguments will always seem to take a certain direction that ends with him lecturing you or ridiculing your perspectives. He might scold you like a child or even batter you to show dominance.

Attacks your appearance: Making demeaning commentaries about your appearance or personal style is a major red flag. He says that in the African context, a man who’s trying to change you will want to dictate what you wear and how you look in public in absolute disregard to your comfort and happiness.

Never good enough: He will compare you with versions of the women whose style and outlook he wishes you to adopt. Comparison, however gently it’s done is a form of manipulation to change. If he says, ‘My ex didn’t do that; My mom doesn’t do it that way; Why don’t you be like so and so’, know that he is trying to turn you into one of these people.

He is stifling your awesomeness. What then should you do?

Give and take: Relationships are a give and take. Before you turn down a suggestion to change, evaluate if it will be for the benefit of the relationship or not. “There are issues you can compromise on and others that you cannot. Your opinion should matter just as much as your sense of individuality.

Walking away: Consider running for the hills if violence, domination and extreme, control are some of the tactics deployed to force you to change. Do not sit back and condone vicious acts of violence. Walk out if there’s danger to yourself or your children.