Dear Lady, we want you to say it as it is

Often times women complain that men are too slow or do not understand what they want. But today, men go on the defensive, saying that women should voice their expectations for them to be acted upon. Soni Kanake explores what exactly men want and expect from their partners.

Dr K N Jacob, a corporate trainer and relationship expert in his early 40s, says men are not wired for multitasking and need constant reminders on birthdays and anniversaries. "As men, we see life as a composite of projects from one definite task to the other. Once a man gets married, that project is over. He moves on to the next project … buying a home, or a car. From his perspective, a man loves his wife dearly, he just needs to be reminded about other ‘smaller’ projects like birthdays, wedding days or holidays. He needs to be reminded as often as though the ‘project’ is being mentioned for the first time," explains Dr Jacob.

“Men are not mind-readers. We score very poorly on this area. Just tell him. And tell him over and over again. But I urge every man to make every possible effort to know that celebrating your woman’s birthday, anniversary and any other special occasion is being translated as ‘love.’ Learn to love her according to her definition of love,” he says. Dr Jacob says it is not a man's natural instinct but a deliberately acquired skill for which a man has no choice for his peace of mind.

"As men, we don’t get hints, cues and clues. We only understand plain language. Don’t hint-touch him for a hot night. He just doesn’t get it. Just spell it out that you look forward to deep intimacy after dinner. We don’t even decipher a woman’s emotions from her eyes. We can’t differentiate a sex intention from just a happy emotion," explains Dr Jacob.

"The average woman often says what she doesn’t mean and expects to communicate to her man through hints. In my 16 years of marriage, I learnt in our early days never to exchange words with a woman through mobile-phone texting. Things go south in moments," he notes.

“While the woman sees communication as an opportunity to clarify her feelings, the man sees a life puzzle to be solved. When she initiates communication, a woman is not searching for a solution. She is looking for someone who can connect with her. She won’t know when the information is excess or spilling over. Conversely, a man only shares the details necessary to solve the problem as he sees it and he’ll interrupt a woman once he has heard enough commensurate to the solution for the problem in his mind,” he says.

This difference, says Dr Jacob is the foundation of all conflicts in relationships between the sexes. “Relationships will survive infidelity, money matters and third-party interferences among many more but no relationship survives communication breakdown. A man is conditioned to listen actively. When a woman initiates conversation, the man assumes she is seeking his advice or assistance which is not so.”

 “To live together happily, respect him according to his definition of respect. Don’t correct him in public. Don’t compare him with his peers. Don’t discuss him negatively with your girlfriends. Love her according to her definition of love. Learn her love language. Celebrate her special occasions. But the most critical factor in healthy relationships is communication. Speak your mind calmly, honesty and respectfully. Share your joys, feelings and concerns. Don’t be a fault finder. Look for the good in your partner and you’ll find it. Nurture the good and it’ll flourish,” he concludes.

Steve Kariuki, an entrepreneur, who turned 44 last weekend, says that subtle hints from their significant others will not suffice. "When my wife tells me 'we need things for the house', I have no idea what exactly she wants and I'm waiting for a more specific request like, 'Babe, we need to do shopping and I want 'x' amount of money'," explains Steve.

"When a woman is specific, the man can say he probably doesn't have 'x' amount, but he has 'y' amount of cash. Steve says this generalisation also extends into most couples' bedrooms. "During intimacy, a woman expects you to know what she wants, which can be frustrating to her when you don't do what she desires. We were not born all knowing. Tell me how you want it done," he says. However, Steve is quick to point out that the key thing is for the woman to communicate her desires in a 'nice' manner.

"As a man, when I get home, I'm tired and all I want is peace. Women should learn to ask questions nicely. If I've left my socks lying on the floor, for instance, don't ask, 'Hizi socks ni za nani?' (Whose socks are these?) Instead, try, 'Babe, kindly pick those socks up," explains Steve. "Or, 'mbona haujatuma pesa ya shopping?' (Why haven’t you sent me money for shopping?)," he says. Being nice to your man will take you far and he will want to do more nice things for you, he says. "If you want him to be coming earlier in the evening, don't ask him, 'Mbona unakujanga late kila saa?' (Why do you always come home late?)

Men, Steve says, also like to be appreciated. When your man gives you money for shopping or holidays, appreciate him, tell him thank you. But why should a woman thank him for doing what he should do naturally, one wonders? "Let me ask you, as a woman when you offer your husband a cup of coffee or serve him dinner and he says, 'Babe thanks', how do you feel?" poses Steve.

Sometimes, however, a hint is good, especially when you are rebuking us and saying it as it is could embarrass us, says Steve. "As opposed to saying that your man smells of sweat, buy him a cologne and tell him that you like the way it smells on him," he advises. Remember, a man is a small baby with big feet, laughs Steve. "When your hormones are acting up or are feeling down, don't say you are fine," he says. "Sometimes as men we feel lost. We can see you are itching but we are not sure where to scratch. As a lady, understand that men are not mind-readers, voice your desires in a nice way and your man will remember forever, says Steve.

Amani Maranga, a communication expert in his late 30s, says how we were socialised growing up has a lot to do with our expectations later in life. "I come from a family where we seldom celebrated birthdays or Christmas and as such, I do not attach much sentimental value to these celebrations," explains Amani. "A woman has to express it to me that she treasures birthdays because celebrating birthdays is not my default setting," he says.

Amani says each person should take responsibility for their expectations in a relationship. "Your expectations are yours, not mine. If you have expectations, you have to say why they are important to you. Help me understand the reason behind your expectations," says Amani.

To communicate effectively with our partners, it is important we learn the different languages of love, says Amani. "Most of us give love the way we want to receive it. I try to love you 'my way', which might not work for you," he explains. "If your language of love is being touched lovingly, let me know,'" says Amani.

Sometimes we have expectations from our family of origin or perhaps you were treated like royalty in your previous relationship and are expecting I am a continuation of that guy, he explains. Amani says unless a woman says exactly what she wants, men will continue to grope in the dark and women will continue to get frustrated. However, he is quick to say that even if the lady voices her expectations, it is not automatic that he will change overnight. Some requests are easier to adjust to than others. I'm not a programmable machine and have a lot of learning and unlearning to do. So give me time to adjust, he says.

"Men are not taught to express their emotions. And if we don't understand our own emotions, how do we handle a woman's?" he poses. "Don't give me grieve for not knowing, teach me. Teach me how to learn you and let me learn," says Amani. In the same way, he says that men should also take responsibility for their expectations and let their partner know what it is they want. "People need to be able to speak the truth but let's be gracious," says Amani.

"Men and women are wired differently and if you are in a relationship and want to be treated in a certain way, say it," says Steve Kyalo, an insurance consultant and marriage and relationship expert in his late 40s. "If you sit down and wait for your man to know what you want, you'll be frustrated. Tell him how you want to be treated," explains Steve. "If our anniversary is round the corner or it's your birthday, remind me and let me know what you expect," says Steve. As a couple, sit down and understand each other's expectations. Understand the different love languages say, 'this is how I want to be appreciated, says Steve.

“A man needs to be prompted as some of these gestures don't come naturally," explains Steve. He says that men too have a way they expect to be treated. "Some of the conflict areas in relationships are as a result of unmet expectations. Don't hint to your man. Be direct, we rarely understand female coded messages. If you want to go for dinner, say it! Don't say that, 'we never go out for dinner,' he says.

Steve says there is a lot of pressure on men and a man who doesn't want to fail will feel the pressure. "A man will 'avoid' reading financial expectations, deliberately. Sometimes, he is overwhelmed with financial responsibilities," says Steve. "To simplify life, let everyone state what their expectations are. I'd really like to meet my wife's expectations but she's got to remind me. It's part of nurturing the relationship. A majority of men don't understand women at all. They will wonder, what exactly does she want and I have provided everything for her?" he poses.