The thrills and challenges of single parenthood

Ideally, raising a child should be a responsibility shared by both the father and the mother.

Unfortunately, that is not always the case as the number of women raising children alone continues to rise. Three women share their journey on single parenthood.

Brenda works in the Logbook department as a credit supervisor and is happily raising her five-year-old son.

But life has not always been that rosy. Now in her mid-20s, Brenda got her son at 21 while still in university after dating for four years.

“We tried to make it work with my son’s father, but [we] soon realised our relationship was headed nowhere. We parted ways when the boy was six months old,” explains Brenda.

“When my son was around nine months old, I came to Nairobi with him in search of a job. The job I got involved looking for clients, and I would get paid Sh100 per client.

"On average, I would go home with Sh500, which I would use to buy food and pay for my son’s day care expenses — Sh150 per day. I had to walk from Zimmerman to Githurai every day since I could not afford bus fare,” explains Brenda.

Raising a child as a young mum without a steady source of income was an uphill task for Brenda, who opted to breastfeed her son for two years as she could not always afford to give him food.

“I had an arrangement with my local ‘Mama Mboga’, who was gracious enough to allow me to take groceries on credit. Often times I would sleep hungry as I would be too embarrassed to keep asking her for foodstuff,” she explains.

At one point, she remembers an incident where a friend, who had accommodated them, threw her out of her house to the streets.

“She suddenly started complaining that I was using too much detergent washing the baby’s napkins, which I used as I could not afford diapers.

"The period between February 2015 and June 2015 was the toughest time in my life,” explains Brenda.

“Life was one big vicious cycle, where I would wake up early to prepare food for my son, drop him at the baby care and walk to work. In the evening I’d walk back and pick my baby, breastfeed him and sleep on an empty stomach.

"The cycle would carry on the next day and it was driving me crazy. I even harboured suicidal thoughts at some point,” she says.

Despite it all, Brenda kept going for her son and worked diligently. Fortunately for her, her hard work caught the attention of her supervisor, who promoted her and offered her a job with a salary of Sh18,000. This was a godsend for her.

Her living conditions improved greatly and over the following two years, her salary had risen to Sh30,000.

Sadly for her, the business folded up and she was left without employment. “I used my savings to start a business, selling second-hand clothes in Muthurwa. It wasn’t easy as some days I would go without selling a single item. This was taking a toll on me emotionally and financially,” narrates Brenda.

One day Brenda met a lady from the church she attended, who approached her and enquired why she was always sad and cried a lot.

She explained her dilemma and the lady told her about a certain organisation that had a better paying commission structure.

“I folded the remaining clothes I had in the stall and decided to take the plunge. Fortunately for me it paid off and proved to be a much better deal. I thank God for that exposure, which finally led me to my current job,” says Brenda.

Today she is in a happy place, and her advice to single mums is to keep the faith and to rid oneself of anger and bitterness as it can ruin their children’s lives.

“You must forgive and move on from your past. Work towards being a healthy mum so that you are in the right mind frame to raise healthy children,” she advises. “A broken mum will raise broken children, and the vicious cycle continues. Purpose to make a different choice.”

Jackline, 34, knows the pain of a heartbreak first-hand after the man who promised to marry her deflowered her and abandoned her when she conceived.

“We had been dating for four years and wedding plans were already in high gear until I got pregnant, and he told me that I had to abort as I would disgrace him before his family,” explains Jacky, as her friends call her.

“I refused to abort and managed to convince my then-boyfriend to a come-we-stay arrangement; although he walked away when I was eight months pregnant,” she laments.

The incident left Jacky broken. “I was shattered and have never imagined myself dating again. Life was extremely hard for me after the birth of my son, as my parents did not want anything to do with me as ‘I had let them down’.

"I fasted and prayed for two weeks for my parents to accept me back home. Then I went to see them while accompanied by one of the elderly women in our prayer group. Fortunately, they accepted me back,” explains Jacky.

However, her life was not smooth sailing as she was consumed with anger and bitterness. “How could he take my virginity and dump me? Over and over again, I asked God to take away my son because he reminded me of his father.”

Her then-boyfriend tried reaching out to her but Jacky says she realised that he was only interested in having sexual relations with her. “I am never going down that road again,” she says.

“I knew if we got back together without a solid plan, I would be left raising fatherless children, which I wasn’t ready for, not now, not ever!”

Jacky has been working as a house help for about 10 years now, but had tried her hand in business.

“When I settled it in my head and heart that it was time to move on, I plunged myself wholeheartedly into working to raise my son. I sold clothes and worked in a hotel, but I finally settled to working as a house help. Today, all I desire is to give my nine-year-old son, who is in Class Three, a good future.”

She encourages other single mums to be independent and self-dependent and not to be choosy about work.

“Do not put your trust entirely in the love of a man because he might one day wake up and desert you. Even at your lowest, learn to encourage yourself and believe you can make it,” Jacky advises.

“Life is not easy, but I am in a good place. I am slowly moving on from my hurtful past and focusing on raising my son. I work and send money to my mum, who stays with my son in the village, and life goes on,” she says.

Doreen's dad passed away when she was about eight years old, and she witnessed her mother struggle to bring her up together with her two siblings.

"Mum ran a kiosk in the sleepy village of Emuhaya, western Kenya, which could barely sustain the four of us, and we ended up living with our grandmother," explains Doreen.

Growing up, life was tough and when she became an adolescent, she could not afford basic amenities like sanitary pads. "In an attempt to escape from poverty and at least afford pads, I moved in with a man who was 12 years my senior and by the time I was 19, I had my first child," she narrates.

She got two other children in her early 30s but unfortunately her relationship wasn't anything like she had dreamed of.

"My husband, who operated a butchery in the village, was extremely violent and our marriage was rocked by infidelity. He would not allow me to work or do business," confesses Doreen.

"He would beat me up to a pulp, and in 2010 after being together for about five years, we went our separate ways. He, however, absconded his parental responsibility and has not helped me raise the children to date despite making several empty promises," she explains.

In a bid to create a better future for her kids, Doreen moved to Nairobi in 2011 in search of greener pastures and left her children with her mum.

"I worked as a mama fua (laundry and cleaning lady) and would go to estate gates waiting for washing opportunities. Life wasn't too hard as I was staying alone in Nairobi, and I always managed to send mum the little I made for the children," explains Doreen.

Later, an uncle helped her with capital to start an eatery in Donholm, which eased her financial burden.

Sadly, her mum passed away in 2017 and she had to go home for the burial. When she came back to Nairobi three months later together with her three children, she found her house had been broken into and her business run down.

Doreen, who is a good cook, started cooking for people during functions and was able to jump-start her life.

She was able to negotiate with the administration of the school where her children attend and is allowed to stagger their fees.

"I'm grateful to KCB Kijiajiri Programme, which awarded me a scholarship in Catering and Hospitality.” I'm not there yet, but I'm slowly rebuilding our lives as I look for a permanent job to sustain us.”

"'Be determined and never give up' is my motto," she says. As she concludes, she has an advice for young girls. “As for young girls, do not rush into marriage, build yourself first. Get an education.”