Opinion | How to End a Friendship

And new friends come along. We are wired to pursue friendship: In the company of our favorite companions, studies have found, our brains release dopamine and oxytocin. The early stages of friendship are their own romance; when my husband finds me bent over my phone, absorbed in a finger-flurrying text exchange, the person on the other end is invariably a fascinating woman I’m still getting to know.

There are scandalous transgressions or betrayals that can kill a friendship. But more often, there’s no accounting for a friendship’s demise. The atmosphere changes; a sense of duty creeps in. Conversations that were once freewheeling shift into that less than enjoyable territory of “catching up.” Soon you realize social media is the only thing keeping a no-longer-friendship on life support.

Thanks to the miracle of Instagram, I am aware that my old friend has a gorgeous family and remains a passionate cook and taker of selfies. What doesn’t come through on my feed is the vulnerable look that would spring to her eyes when we would link arms and walk through the city late at night, or the sound of her laughter when we spent Sunday afternoons eating malodorous cheeses and watching “Seinfeld” reruns. Those are things I’ll never get back.

My old friend eventually reached out to me, several months after she’d disappeared. She said she didn’t know why she needed space, but she did, and she was sorry. I told her that it had been painful but I understood. We saw each other a few times after that, but it was different; we’d come apart.

Out of respect for friendship’s sanctity, when the magic dims, the best thing to do is let go. When I last saw my old friend, on that crowded street, I did not want a two-minute update or exchange of empty promises about “getting together soon.” Our glorious history, and the young women we used to be, deserved more than that. Breezing past each other had been more of an instinct than a decision, but it was the only way to honor our friendship, may it rest in peace.

Lauren Mechling is the author of the forthcoming novel “How Could She.”

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