Opinion | The Ridiculous Fantasy of a ‘No Drama’ Relationship

Vanessa Valenti, co-founder of the feminist website Feministing, had a different take. “I think it’s pretty sexist,” she told me. “You might as well say ‘no humans,’ you know? But sexist behavior exists offline, just like it does on dating apps. This is simply another medium.” She added, “I think there are unrealistic expectations put on women to be accommodating at all times in their relationships.”

Ms. Valenti said that when men say they want no drama, “they’re signaling to others that they’re someone who’s incapable of witnessing and honoring another person’s feelings.” She also expressed concern that the numbers are higher, at least on OkCupid, the younger the men get.

“It makes me wonder if it’s become more like online dating app lingo, which actually makes the ‘no drama’ potentially more dangerous because the more it’s used, the more it’s normalized as a common characteristic of a desirable partner and what a desirable partner should be,” she said. “Are we setting a precedent of the emotionless partner who has no needs? In my opinion, that would create a culture of pretty disastrous relationships.”

Wouldn’t it make more sense for men and women in the dating world to look inward and develop compassion for themselves, rather than try to control the drama outside them? “When you’ve suffered in these serious ways,” Dr. Mark Epstein, a New York City psychiatrist and Buddhist author, told me, “it lets you see the suffering everywhere, if you’re not pretending that it’s not happening to you.”

He said that the growth that results from looking honestly at your challenges and problems — in other words, from being vulnerable — also makes people better partners. “You might actually be more available, more open, more able to be with someone else as a result of this,” Dr. Epstein said.

I also wonder if people mean it when they say they’re looking for “no drama.” Imagine “Romeo and Juliet” without the feuding future in-laws and “Brokeback Mountain” without society’s resistance to two men in love. Or “Casablanca” without the return of Ilsa’s husband, not to mention the Nazis who frequented Rick’s bar. Sometimes, love grows sweeter in contrast to the hardships.

Perhaps we’re simply all on drama overload, and online profiles reflect what we’re experiencing in the world. We live on a planet whose climate is warming rapidly. We wait in fear of the next mass shooting. We have a president whose tweets elevate our heart rates daily. In a 2018 American Psychological Association survey, 69 percent of respondents reported that the future of the nation caused them stress — six percentage points higher than the year before.