A bruised male ego - Daily Nation

It was the third time in two months that James was seeking HIV testing services at the Sexology Clinic.

As had been his habit, he came with a different woman. They wanted to be tested before having unprotected sex.

“So doctor, before we indulge, we found it befitting to have the HIV test done on both of us,” he explained.

“My boyfriend does not want to use condoms so we decided to get tested,” the lady explained, “we would like the test that gives instant results.”

To avoid embarrassing James with stories of his two last visits to the clinic, I went ahead and had the tests done. They were both negative.

They hugged and kissed, waving at me in a hurry when I requested James to remain behind for a moment. I wanted to have a confidential conversation with him.

“It is nothing to do with the tests, so both of you do not need to be in the room,” I said to cunningly force the woman out of the consultation room.

I really wanted to know why James had in a span of two months come with three different women to the clinic for the tests and had sex with them. It would have been negligent to assume that such was a normal behaviour.

“I feel there is something seriously wrong,” I said. “This is unusual and I fear that things will soon blow up on you.”

James was 45 years old. He was a member of the county assembly in one of the wards across the country. He was married to a 42-year-old businesswoman. The couple had four children.

“You know we are busy people doctor, and we need these girls to relieve stress,” he said, punctuating his sentence with a staccato burst of laughter. “If you ever you become a politician, you will understand what I am talking about.”

But digging deeper into James’ life, I discovered that he had a bruised ego. You see, the confidence of a man lies in his self-belief.

A psychologically healthy man has been socialised to believe that he is a conqueror; that his wife is the best thing in the world, and that he beat all men to win her.

That by winning the love of the woman, she in return believes he is the best gift that life could give to anyone. These beliefs are confirmed when the couple ties the knot with the intention to live happily thereafter.

Unfortunately, ‘happily ever after’ can be a mirage. Things do not always go right and sometimes the man’s ego gets hurt in the process.

In James’ case, his wife had an affair. James was devastated. The core of his manhood had been challenged. His ego was badly bruised and he lost confidence in himself.

“I think that is when I totally lost it,” he explained. “It has been two years since she cheated on me. I forgave my wife but during those two years, I have had close to 15 sex partners.”

Other than infidelity, a man’s ego and self-confidence can be eroded when the wife constantly tells him he is not successful like other men.

Even just insinuating that the man’s sex skills are unsatisfactory can completely damage him.

The other thing that destroys a man’s ego is a woman’s persistent rejection of his sexual advances.

I believe this is the reason many African cultures teach a woman how to treat a man so that he feels manly and maintains an elevated ego of himself.

They know that a man’s ego keeps him going. “I get no satisfaction from the many women I have slept around with,” James interjected.

“I do all this to prove to myself that I am okay; that my wife did not cheat because I am sexually deficient.”

James broke down and cried like a baby. He was truly hurting and was unsure of how to put back the pieces of his life together.

At that point, James’ new girlfriend, who was waiting outside the consultation room, got impatient and stormed in.

“Baby it is getting late,” she said, unaware of the discussion we were having.

“Go away woman, just go. I will not have sex with you, go away,” James shouted.

I looked at the woman unable to utter a word. She stared back at me, then at James. “Who do you think you are? You can go to hell,” she shouted as she walked out.

I realised that James and his wife had not undergone counselling after her affair. I booked them in and for a period of four months, they had intensive counselling and therapy.