The worst reason to get married

She’s pregnant by a man who is just starting to figure out things. To marry or not to marry?

Half the chaps I know got married because their girlfriends got pregnant. The girls didn’t get pregnant by napping under a tree.

Obviously, these boys had something to do with that situation. But still, it always came as a shock — which is surprising and redefines the meaning of shock; because being in shock is when you go to the doctor and he does tests and tells you, “Biko, it seems you have a nail cutter in your gut.”

That’s a shock. But this one (pregnancy) shouldn’t be. It normally starts with five magic words: “I have missed my period.”

These are bewildering words to tell any man, regardless of age.

At this point, to fill the dead air that those three words create, you will ask a series of dumb questions like “when did you last have your period?” or “Are you certain?”

Or even, “Are you sure it’s mine?” Women usually take great offence at this last question because it’s accusatory.

But they shouldn’t because when you hear the five magic words, you are technically on autopilot with your mouth completely disengaged from your brain.

Nothing you say after this announcement will make any sense to you. But what you meant to say is, “Oh, I’m sure it’s false alarm, you have been stressed lately, no?”

You will dash to a pharmacy whereupon she will take a pregnancy test. If she’s pregnant, you will sit there and think to yourself, “Oh crap. I’m this young, how can I be a father? I don’t have a stable income! How can I afford to feed a child on this salary? Do children eat eggs? How does a father behave?”

Maybe she will cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe she will tell you, “my father is going to kill me,” and you will say, “No, he won’t,”; then she will add, “then he will kill you.”

Maybe she will be blank, rubbing her tummy and imagining something growing in there. This probably happens in your 20s when you have big plans that you don’t want interrupted by a baby.

This is the point where two men emerge by taking two roads. The first man will leg it. Make a run for it.

He will say he wants no part of this baby situation, he isn’t ready for fatherhood. Or he will just switch off and let her deal with it.

He is the coward of the county. One day he might come back when the child is getting their degree and claim him/her. Or he might not come at all.

He will go forth and procreate elsewhere, sowing seeds on hills beyond.

He is the man on the move, running away from his responsibilities, a special type of man with little or no sense of ownership.

The second man is the one who will say, “Oh crap, now what?” He will be freaked out. Completely.

He will consult older men and women, and they will tell him to do what’s right. He will do all these because he has a conscience, a sound upbringing informed by the need to do the right thing.

And he will imagine that the right thing to do is to marry the lady, because he was raised, or he read somewhere that men are men when they take responsibility.

So, he will marry the lady so that he can be a responsible human being.

Something hastily convened, at the Attorney General’s chambers, or a small garden wedding. Something to quickly cover the shame of a pregnancy out of wedlock.

It will be a trite event, done before the bump shows too much or before a baby comes forth. Problem solved.

This man is slightly better than the first man in that he took responsibility. But he isn’t exactly the chap whose actions should be upheld as the standard unit.

This is because marrying your pregnant girlfriend isn’t a favour to her or to your unborn child. Neither is it a favour to you.

Nobody benefits greatly from this act. This is informed by a scenario which someone I know finds herself into; pregnant by a man who is just starting to figure out things. To marry or not to marry?

I say, don’t marry if that marriage is as a result of the pregnancy. And certainly not if one party isn’t keen to marry.

That would not be a marriage, that would be a lie. Besides, nobody said that the best parents are the ones who live under the same roof.