OGUDA: Ugenya lesson: Noise pollution can cause hearing, election loss

Just as President Uhuru Kenyatta finished his soporific talk shop on the war against corruption (also known as The State of the Nation address) last week, David Ochieng stepped in to rescue us from that monotonous loop by dropping the shocker of the week.

We were shocked at the Ugenya by-election outcome because we had lost hope that our electoral system can fix the political mess we have created for ourselves.

People who had threatened never to vote again are suddenly begging the IEBC to take them back into the voters’ roll; they also want to know what it feels like to celebrate such a revolutionary moment.

The news from Ugenya caused the scorching sun and the blinding dust to smile, knowing they would once more be put to service roasting voters in election queues.

Even children named after BVR kits and ballot boxes can finally walk around freely, knowing they now carry their names with pride.

Kenyans were so desperate for happy news that someone could have sneaked in and sold our country last Saturday and we wouldn’t even have noticed.

Thanks to David Ochieng, everyone now remembers that they have relatives in Ugenya, even those who last went to the village during that infamous 1934 ambush of Alfayo Odongo and his Roho sect at Musanda.

Those who were spreading the political propaganda that David Ochieng isn’t a Luo are now clarifying that even Raila Odinga said he is from the Nabongo Mumia lineage of the Wanga kingdom, and no one has ever taken offence with him.

Even those who were practicing dance moves in political rallies in anticipation of their victory party are now claiming they were just exercising their rigid limbs according to their doctor’s fitness advice.

It is refreshing to see people eating their words faster than the government’s war on corruption.

If the Ministry of Health had a Department of Constipation Affairs, last Saturday’s queue would have been longer than the list of Jubilee government’s unfulfilled pre-election promises.

Then we have the noisy political class who would never let any chance to appear on television pass them by.

There are those who had accused Ochieng of receiving campaign finances from individuals whose fingers are itchier than a ripe boil.

You should have seen them in campaign rallies, swinging their rotund waists in angular fashion. They have since raided stationery shops in town and bought all the erasers in stock.

They want to rub all the pages where this verbal transcript exists. They now say Ochieng is cleaner than a whistle and that no one should take credit for his giant-killing adventure because he worked for it himself.

You wonder what Kenyans did to deserve this shameless crop of two-faced politicians.

If flip-flopping was an Olympic sport, our parliamentarians would be competing among themselves for the gold medal every other tournament edition.

Then there are those who earned popularity through false pretence, taking credit for Ochieng’s monumental win when they knew they had nothing to do with it.

Kenyans have always believed that theft of public funds is the greatest stumbling block to the achievement of a first world development status — then politicians started stealing people’s political victories and presenting them as their own.

Now we can’t decide which one is the greater evil. It is unbelievable that people of high standing in society could sit down, caucus among themselves and draft speeches claiming ownership of other people’s political successes.

You ask yourself where they had been when you were emerging bottom of your class when they could have defended your quantum physics thesis and taken free credit for it.

People don’t understand the problems they put others in. Ochieng’s children will now be going to bed every night doubting their father’s ability to pull off a win of that magnitude without help from questionable characters.

Had these people currently raining on Ochieng’s parade sought permission first, they would have been told to take that rain to places it was needed the most.

Even those who were never interested in geography can now point out Ugenya constituency on a map, thanks to David Ochieng and his giant-killing exploits.

Many years from now, Ochieng’s strategy in the by-election will be used as a case study not only in political science classes but also in environmental science ones.

The National Environment Management Authority should start reminding Kenyans that noise pollution is not only bad because of the prospect of hearing loss, but it might also lead to an election defeat.

The results from Ugenya have cut down political noise by half; we have clearly been looking for policy solutions in the wrong places.