OGUDA: Jellyfish have no brain, but Sudi should know he is not a jellyfish

You may have watched the video of Kapseret MP Oscar Sudi that has been doing the rounds this week.

If you haven’t watched it, consider yourself lucky because those of us who have are contemplating writing to our data service provider to return our wasted bundles.

The video quality is as poor as the quality of wisdom of the person who shot and shared it because there are very few of us who derive pleasure from the company or speech of hatemongers.

He (or she) should have kept that video for their personal use, and if they wanted to share it, they should have first sent it to the Dandora Dumpsite Management WhatsApp group for peer review.

We are now incurring prohibitive costs looking for medicine to erase the sludge in that video from our minds, and I doubt the person who first shared it can even afford to buy us painkillers as we wait in the doctor’s queue.

Let’s turn our attention to the star of the show, Oscar Sudi. It is 2019. The world is advancing very fast, thanks to tech, education, civilisation and globalisation.

Countries are testing a bone marrow stem cell procedure that holds the key to the cure of HIV/AIDS. Scientists have successfully germinated plants on the moon to prove that life can survive there.

Robots can now assist humans to conduct non-invasive surgery.

Emirates Airlines has launched a chauffeur-less drone that will transport flyers between any location in Dubai and the city’s main international airport.

Meanwhile, here in Kenya, Oscar Sudi is reverse-evolving back to the Oldowan age when stones were the most technologically advanced tool available and headaches were cured by breaking your skull.

Whoever bewitched Kenya must have died with the antidote. That video was painful watching. All you hear is Oscar Sudi engaging in hate speech so vile it defies all logic.

Even if you were to run for the office of the Patron Saint of Hatemongering, such uncouth verbal diarrhoea wouldn’t get you votes because how will those you intend to kill vote for you?

The fact that jellyfishes have been surviving without a brain doesn’t give humans the justification to walk around without theirs.

The most disturbing part is that there are people in that video cheering on Oscar Sudi.

They are sitting in the main tent reserved for dignitaries — people of high honour and moral standing.

But from the way they are enjoying Sudi’s hate speech, you would be forgiven if you thought the function was a card-only event for those auditioning to have their brains used as raw materials in the newly acquired community biogas digester.

Thanks to Oscar Sudi we are learning that even in the sewer, the cream always rises to the top.

Tent makers in Kenya should update their terms and conditions as a matter of urgency, otherwise their tents risk coming back to the yard flapping with hate speech and infecting their next users with this pandemic.

You watch that video and you wonder what happened to the art and craft of public speaking.

I was brought up to understand that the microphone was such a powerful communication tool that it was not supposed to be given to every Oscar, Kipchumba and Sudi.

Mr Sudi has a complicated relationship with the English language, and his Kiswahili vocabulary is limited to words related to violence so that whenever he rises to speak there is a subtitle ticker running down your screen to ensure he isn’t misquoted.

I have attended public functions where microphones are switched off whenever the sound engineer detects that the bearer is about to exhibit verbal diarrhoea.

In village functions where sound engineers are too heavy for the budget, there is always someone limbering up and down the podium ready to slap the microphone out of the speaker’s hand if they detect even the slightest hint that the host is about to be embarrassed. By now, everyone inviting politicians to their functions should have known that if Mr Sudi cared about his running mouth, he wouldn’t be Oscar Sudi.

Whoever is burying their loved ones and invites Oscar Sudi to come desecrate the place must be questioned forthwith. In my opinion, you will get more value for money and much more useful content from a septic tank stationed on the podium with a microphone plugged into one of its vents. The DCI is already weighed down with investigating people carting away public money like the world was ending tomorrow. Let’s spare them the resources of cracking down on hatemongers by not giving airtime to Oscar Sudi and his ilk.