She demands that I send her 30k per month for child upkeep, or I won’t see my baby

Q: In 2019 I took my girlfriend to my parents because I wanted to marry her. My parents loved her and I was given a go-ahead. In 2020 I lost my job while she was pregnant with my baby. In August of that year we parted since I couldn’t sustain the lifestyle we had. She lost her job too. I however was sending her money for upkeep and her rent. When my baby was born I was there for her and took care of everything including the huge hospital bill. She got her job back and luckily I got another job but not as good as the previous one. I still support her and send her money. She came back to me though we are still not living together. Now, my issue is my pay minus deductions come to about Sh65,000; I have been sending her Sh30,000 monthly since she demanded it, but it is not sustainable. I have my own bills and a loan to service, plus I need to put something for a rainy day while building my baby’s future. She broke up with me because I could not afford to take her out as often as she wanted. Now I am in a fix because she says if I don’t send her minimum Sh30,000 every month, she won’t allow me access to my baby. I love my baby so much; I think about her every day. I always wanted to have a complete family and raise my kids the right way.  But it seems it won’t happen. What should I do? Am straining financially and miss my baby.

A: Love is what keeps a union together but unfortunately from your letter, it looks like yours was founded on money. When you have money, your relationship blossoms and when you lack you are denied even the access to your baby. From the look of things, it seems that your girlfriend was with you for money. In a conducive environment, you need to have an honest conversation with the mother of your child.  Without defending yourself, let her know your feelings towards the state of your relationship. Explain to her why you are sending a certain amount for upkeep and why you can’t match her expectations. Be transparent on your income and expenditure. 

Breaking the relationship with you shows she is no longer committed. You seem to be in denial, when stating that you want a complete family; yet she is not interested.  The hard truth is you can only be the father of her child but not her husband.  In case she continues to deny you access to your baby, you may need to go to court.  As a parent you have the right to reasonable and generous access to your baby. The court or an agreement may set out the time, place, and length of access.  The best custody and access arrangement for your child is where you both agree.