Three months later, Mutahi Kagwe has mountains to climb

Dear Cabinet Secretary Mutahi Kagwe,

The end of May marks three months since you took the oath of office and pledged to protect us from the coronavirus, and Afya House cartels.

It may sound like yesterday but your probation period is over and we are obliged to send your score sheet to the newspapers.

Allow us to applaud you for your courage in taking up a tough assignment at a time when Kenyans had almost resigned themselves to being ravaged by the virus.

While the jury is still out on whether our curve is now flat or oblong, you have never chickened out of facing the media when some of your colleagues would have preferred going into hiding like an ICC witness.

You get an ‘A’ for Abraham for standing up to take the bullets when it would have been easier to let your junior officers get roasted like burnt offerings, because you know how to be their father.

However, this report card has sticky issues Kenyans have glued on your office door and are still waiting for closure on.

Earlier this week, Kenyans woke up to the disturbing news that the Kenya Medical Research Institute (Kemri) is poorer than a church mouse and cannot replenish Covid-19 testing materials, protective gear, and lab reagents.

Last month, when you fired the Kemri director in charge of virus research, we had hope your new broom had finally started sweeping well, but if sacking him was the answer, then why are our frontline researchers accusing Afya House of treating Covid-19 normally when you already warned us it will treat us abnormally?

We also received the memo that you’ve dissolved the newly constituted National Advisory Committee that was meant to oversee the collection and utilisation of blood and blood products after a former director received a court order allowing her to go back to work to enjoy her office tea and protection from the law.

The ministry also clarified its stand on the World Bank money that caused an earthquake on social media when it was revealed Sh4 million would go towards tea and mandazi for MoH employees.

You have since clarified that you are yet to spend a red cent. Those who had sanitised their throats in readiness for this ‘chai’ will now have to drink it in theory.

We empathise with your gym trainer because the number of flip-flops you have been forced to execute in the past month alone can only be done by a professional acrobat.

Your trainer deserves two troughs of hand sanitiser and a lorry-load of face masks for helping you to successfully execute those back-flips without spraining your sinews.

Our foremost concern is that if anyone has been eating our money and is causing your blood to boil each time you want to crack the whip, then Kenyans would prefer they be given a harsher penalty than inter-ministerial transfers.

You cannot defeat corona only to be killed by those who are eating corona money.

Meanwhile, Kenyans have been asking why the daily Covid-19 press briefings have suddenly turned into a regurgitation ritual.

Unless necessary, your ministry can help Kenyans save the environment by sending an email to media houses with the daily briefs and new answers to disturbing questions occurring throughout the week.

Instead of annoying climate change experts every time your people walk into a live session with pieces of paper, let’s annoy those who said we cannot beat corona unless we use a police whip.

Your tone is also not favourable to those Kenyans trying their best to help us help you.

Kenyans do not want to question God for giving you a powerful voice that was fearfully and wonderfully made.

However, when you speak to us from your tear glands, you leave us helpless since we have no tissues to volunteer to you after our employers sent us on unpaid leave, and into depression.

We all want this country to succeed and we root for it all the time. We don’t need Brand Kenya to tell us this country is magical because how many countries have you seen a primary school dropout being appointed to the Cabinet?

As for additional comments, I will say this: Kenyans are rooting for you. Please don’t let us down.

In (un)related news, Kenyans are asking why the CS for Water has not attended the Afya House briefings yet her ministry is critical to the fight against this stubborn pandemic.

We need to know if Afya House brings her bad memories since that was her last posting before her transfer to Maji House.

If we all were to be afraid to return to our former workplaces, then Uhuru Kenyatta shouldn’t have gone back to Kanu for support in taming Jubilee Party rebels.